I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
