I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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