finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
