What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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