Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
