this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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