Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
