we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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