I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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