Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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