At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize