Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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