I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
