3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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