I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
