It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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