If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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