Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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