i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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