Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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