I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
