My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize