I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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