the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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