I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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