I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
