Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
