a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
