I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
birth control should be required to get into college
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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