Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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