its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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