My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just had sex on a roof
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
