five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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