true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
