OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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