there's paper in my vomit.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
