She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
