My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
