I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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