Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
