life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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