I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
