Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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