You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
