How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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