Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
