She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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