i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
