Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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