Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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