Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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