no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
