are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
