Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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