im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
