i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
