too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
