Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
