R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
