Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
